Shopping Rage Syndrome

After hours of holiday shopping, I found myself in a never-ending checkout line at the Dollar Store waiting to purchase wrapping paper. For twenty excruciating minutes I observed the world’s slowest cashier, a teenager apparently raised by hippies on barbiturates. She wore an artificial smile and greeted every new customer with “Hi, how are you? Would you like to open a store account? Are you sure, because you can get an additional 16% off all your purchases today? And concluding every transaction with “Would you like your receipt in the bag? Would you like to keep the hangers? Can I have your zip code? Would you like to be on our mailing list? With each repetition of these sentences I could feel my blood pressure nudging the red zone.

Finally, to my great relief, there was only one person ahead of me. The end of my exhausting shopping marathon was in sight. By this time I was feeling irritated, claustrophobic and tired. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard the woman ahead of me asking the checkout girl if she could open the two packages of baseball cards to verify that there were no duplications, and could she get a discount since the package was slightly dented. (Reader, I think it’s important to remind you that I was at “The Dollar Store”--everything in the store is a dollar!) Rolling her eyes as if to say “Here we go…” the girl gave the woman a snappy reply indicating there was no way she could let her open the package and she was not authorized to mark down the merchandise. To this, the woman replied with the five words no one ever wants to hear in the check out line "Could you get the manager?" I could not believe it! Quickly I glanced around the room hoping to see an opening in another line or at the very least a crumb of sympathy from the other customers. Instead, all I could read in their faces was “Sucks to be you!…Shouldn’t have picked that line.” Fighting the urge to grab the woman by the shoulders, shake her, and shout, "What is wrong with you?” Do you REALLY think they're going to let you open those sealed collector cards?” “Do you not realize that you’re wasting everyone’s time?” I dug my nails into my palms instead, and waited for the manager to settle the dispute.

I began to have totally irrational thoughts and realized I was experiencing a condition that until now has not been properly identified… “Shopping Rage Syndrome” (S.R.S). It’s something that creeps up on you. One minute you could be happily browsing through a rack of cashmere sweaters, and the next you find yourself plotting a way to sneak out to the parking lot and vandalize a fellow shopper’s car. It’s the little things that add up. The environmental factors are usually the first triggers; the subtly depressing muzac, the artificial lighting, fast food smells wafting from the food court, and the continuous annoying chatter of other shoppers. During the holidays, this is compounded by the music we have all heard so much that just the first few notes of a song can set off a temper tantrum…No, please, not The Little Drummer Boy-again! The clinchers are the interactions with other shoppers and most of all the sales people who hide behind the façade of wanting to please you, but not-so-secretly despise you for being on the other side of the counter and envy your ability to walk out of the store before their shift ends.

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